Twin Peaks Usenet Archive
Subject: Dreamtime! (Oh, you lucky people!)
From: maus@Morgan.COM (Malcolm Austin)
Date: 1990-11-02, 12:32
Well, worrying about Audrey has kept me from sleeping these last couple
of weeks, but I finally dropped off last night. And sure enough, I had yet
another dream. . . .
" . . . The owl has long been associated with wisdom
and mysticism, but really it's just a vicious nocturnal
predator. In South America, owls are sometimes big, and
many Peruvian villages bar their windows to prevent small
children from being snatched from their cradles.
"Deep in the forests of North America, owls sometimes
group into colonies, but they are not what they seem. Owls
are quite intelligent--for birds--but the research of the late
Mrs. Bundy has shown that their brain pans are too small for
cooperative effort. Some researchers have cliamed that the nests
of these colonies are arranged in relation to distant stars or
galaxies, but of course, that would be silly. . . ."
-- excerpt from "THE NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL:
THREAT OR MENACE?" lecture series by Dr.
Diane Shapiro, Ph.D. Brandeis University
(underwritten by Packard Pulp Paper, Inc.)
7:58 A.M., Tuesday. Sheriff Harry S. Truman parked in front of
the Twin Peaks sheriff's office. Smoke rose from the ashes of the daily
bonfire of pink boxes on the front lawn, so he knew Lucy had arrived before
him, as usual.
8:01 A.M., Tuesday. Harry entered the Twin Peaks sheriff's office.
Sure enough, Lucy was there, removing the last of the yellow Post-it's
from the walls, furniture, and potted plants. She looked depressed.
"'Morning, Lucy," he called. "What's going on?"
"Well, first Bilbo had a party. But he had to leave, and the ring-
wraiths came. Then they met Tom Bombadil, and ran into Strider in Bree.
He seemed mean at first, but I think he's a good guy, you know? Then they
went to Rivendell and got to see Bilbo again. Then they had a big meeting,
and they decided to go to Mordor. But on the way, they got lost in these
caves, and Gandalf disappeared. I think he's dead. Poor Frodo!"
"No, Lucy, what's going on here?"
"Oh. Well, first the dinosaurs came. But they got too big and fat, so
they died. Then the Arabs came...."
"No, Lucy, what's going on here recently, locally?"
"Oh. Agent Cooper is waiting for you." She gave the sheriff directions.
8:01 A.M. "Oh, hell, my watch stopped," thought Sheriff Truman. He
walked into the long room at the end of the hall. The short hall that went
left, not the long hall to the jail cells. The room with the long table and
the blackboard. Not the locker room. You know, the room where they question
people, and where they put Waldo. And the donuts. The conference room.
Cooper slammed down the phone and whirled as Truman entered. "Harry,
alert the newspapers. And the dairies. Looks like we've got ourselves
a missing person."
"A missing person? Who is it?"
"Laura Palmer. She disappeared yesterday evening, and no one has seen
Truman gave Cooper one of his "Tibetan dream" looks. "But, Cooper,
Cooper held up his hand. "I know that, Harry. That was the cemetary
that called. It's a most singular case." He started pacing the room, looking
down, his hands steepled together. "Tell me, Harry, when you've eliminated the
impossible, whatever's left, however improbable . . ." He paused.
"Must be the truth," Harry concluded reluctantly.
Cooper grinned. "Exactly. So Laura must be . . ."
Harry looked puzzled. "A witch?" he suggested.
"No. Good thought, though." Cooper stared excitedly at Harry. "Don't
you see? She died from loss of blood, and now this. She's a vampire. Start
whittling, Harry, we're going on a stake-out!"
As Harry and Cooper started on those hickory stakes, the door opened, and
Albert strode into the conference room, closely followed by Deputy Andy. Andy
was jumping up and down. "Ive got it! I've got it! Dr. Jacoby did it in the
Gazebo with the candlestick!"
Albert handed him a card. "Hah! Wrong again, you sap!"
Albert looked disgusted. "What an embezzle! What an ultra-maroon!"
Andy selected a donut, and walked over to the birdcage near the window.
"Harry, hey look! It's Waldo. Someone has nailed him to his perch! Maybe
he's still alive!"
While Andy tried to get Waldo to swallow some jelly donut, Albert pulled
a file from his briefcase and handed it to Cooper. "Ignore the boob in the
corner. I've got something here. This is a picture of the shed where the
mill fire started." He pointed to something on the photo. "You see this
here? This is an example of smartness here. I said it was the quick fuse,
and it IS the quick fuse."
Cooper frowned. "That means the arsonist is . . ."
". . . real dumb." He looked at Andy and snorted. "Like that cuts down
the suspect list in this evolutionary backwater." He pulled another manila
folder from his briefcase. "I repeated some of the tests that your local Dr.
Doolittle ran on Laura. Turns out she was quite a gal. My findings indi-
cate that, within her last forty-eight hours, she had sex with the entire
Truman frowned, "I find that hard to believe."
"All right, then. Would you believe two Boy Scouts in a rowboat?"
"I don't think so."
"Humph! Well how about a surly teenager with a really bad attitude?"
"I don't know . . ."
"Would you believe she had intimate relations with . . ."
"A duck!" shouted Cooper.
Albert glared at him. "Stop sniffing the pine needles, pal. She wasn't
that kind of girl!"
"It doesn't matter anyway, Albert. I've figured it out. Laura has
become a vampire."
Albert blinked. "A vampire. After one of *my* autopsies?" He chuckled.
"I don't think so, pal. Be more like nosferatu pate now."
"You don't understand. Her body has disappeared."
"Yeah, I know. I told you I didn't have enough time last week."
Cooper looked disgusted. "You mean?... you didn't!"
"Well, I was just going to put her back!" Albert looked defensive, and put
on his sunglasses. He pulled a third folder from his briefcase. "Speaking of
vampires, here's that blood report you wanted." He snapped the briefcase shut.
Cooper slammed the table. "Damn! That was my best theory yet!" He opened
the report Albert handed him. "Look at this, Harry. This is a report on the
blood Hawk found on Ronette's dress. A very rare blood type. Not Laura's,
Ronette's, Jacques's, Leo's, Donna's, James's, Albert's or Waldo's." He
looked up. "AB negative."
Andy looked around startled. "But *I'm* AB negative."
Harry frowned. "So am I. And wasn't Jacques AB negative?"
Andy looked through the papers on tha table. "Says here that Leo was too!"
Cooper held up his hand, "Harry, put all of that out of your mind. I'm
talking about a different kind of AB negative."
The door opened again. Hawk and Big Ed entered, carrying a large box.
They put the box down of the table, scattering files and papers out of the
way. Big Ed looked around the room and spotted Albert. Deliberately he bent
over the end of the table, and spat on its polished surface. Albert bristled,
but Cooper held him back. "Calm down, Albert. That was a token of respect."
Albert continued to glare. "Was is this guy doing here anyway? He's no
Andy answered, "Oh, Ed's is part of our club. The Knights Who Say... aw,
shoot, what was it, Harry?"
Truman shook his head. "No longer. Now we're the Bookhouse Boys.
Remember we changed our name after no one could get that Douglas fir down
with that herring Pete caught."
Cooper snapped his fingers, "It was a red herring, wasn't it?"
Truman shrugged. "Well, sure. They're all over the place here. I think
they spawn in the lake."
Albert turned to Truman. "So, what are these--what did you call them--
"Bookhouse Boys"? Some kind remedial literacy program for the rural dyslexic?"
Truman sighed. "No, it's nothing like that. You see, there's a darkness
in the woods, a presence. It takes on many forms. This tree, that rock.
It binds the forest together."
"Yeah. Well, pal, there's a darkness in your head. I've been from one end
of this planet to the other. I've seen a lot of weird shit. But I haven't
seen anything to make me believe that there's some sort of mystical force
controling things. It's all just sloppy field work, and yokum hocum." He
sneered. "And you call yourself a scientist! I'm leaving in disgust." And
Ed turned to Truman. "Harry, I gotta leave now. I have to go to the
"The hospital? What is it?"
"It's a big building with patients. But that's not important right now.
Nadine's in a coma. She drank something blue. The doctors say it was some
sort of worm juice."
"OK. You just take care." Ed left the room. Truman gestured towards
the large box on the table. "What's in the large box on the table?" he
Hawk opened the box, and hoisted out a SUN Workstation. Styrofoam spilled
everywhere. "We found this a spare room in Jacques's cabin. Thought it might
"Well, let's plug it in, and see what we've got."
[Insert your own humourous system admin problems. Two days pass.]
Lucy tapped away at the keyboard, "aided" by Andy, who wouldn't let anyone
else use the mouse. Suddenly there was a flash of light, and the screen filled
with characters. "Harry!" shouted Andy. "Come look!"
Sheriff Truman and Agent Cooper re-entered the room, holding coffee and
donuts. "Whuff iff iff, Nnndy?" asked Truman. He swallowed, and tried again.
"What is it, Andy?"
Agent Cooper shoved Lucy aside and started typing. Lucy got up sulking
and left to call Ann again. Men! "I've seen this before, Harry," said Cooper.
Truman peered at the garishly colored screen. "347 unread articles. What
does that mean?"
Cooper grinned back. "This is it, Harry. This is where my dreams are
coming from. Look! There's alt.giant, and there's alt.frawdgniklat. Ooo,
let's check out alt.sex.pictures!"
Andy pointed at the screen. "Why, that's Ronette Pulaski! And there's
Leo's truck! And over here! 'alt.tv.twin-peaks'! Harry, that's us!"
Cooper turned to the sheriff and grinned wickedly. "Let's look inside."
He then turned back to the keyboard.
Sheriff Truman shrugged. "Sure. Why not? It might save some time."
The three officers peered at the screen. "There sure is a lot of stuff
here. This could take weeks! What's this diary everyone keeps mentioning?"
"I don't know. Let's swing by B. Dalton during lunch."
"What?! Gee, I didn't know Lucy was pregnant! Way to go, Andy!"
Andy just looked glum. Suddenly he stared at the screen, his face turning
white. He pointed excitedly at the screen. "H-H-Harry! They're saying that
I did it! That I killed Laura Palmer."
Cooper put a reassuring arm on his shoulder. "Now calm down, Andy. We
all know that's ridiculous." He turned back to the screen. "Hmm, they do
have some good points, though. Why were you late that morning, Andy?"
Andy looked around wildly. "Harry!"
Harry grinned. "'Cuff him, Coop! We've got our man. Andy, you have the
right to remain silent . . ."
-- =============================================================================== Malcolm Austin -- firstname.lastname@example.org #include "disclaimer.h"