Twin Peaks Usenet Archive


Subject: Twin Quotes
From: statman@whale.ufl.edu (Chuck Kincaid)
Date: 1991-04-06, 08:17
Newsgroups: alt.tv.twin-peaks

Hello Tokyo,
	What a show!  I laughed, I cried, I rolled around on the floor
and tore my hair out!  My comments in another post.
	This one is for tadadadadadah  Twin Quotes.  I apologize for   
none last week.  I lent my tape to someone before getting the quotes.
This list includes all episodes since the beginning of the year.  I may
have gotten carried away with the long ones at the end.  I thought
the whole diner scene was great, though.  If enough people express
dissenting opinions, then I'll try to cut it down.  
	As always comments, criticisms and suggestions are
enthusiastically requested.  The news feed that I use messes up
my return address.  Please note the correct address below.  
	'And as always Thank You For Shopping At K-Mart.'

charles d. kincaid
statman@stat.ufl.edu

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
#	THE AGENT OF OZ
[Cooper lies in bed in his room.  Catherine is stroking his 
head.  Andy, the Log Lady and the Man From Another Place
are sitting around the bed.]
Cooper:	Auntie Em!
Cath.:	Auntie Em?  
Cooper:	I must have been dreaming.  It was horrible.  We
	were all on Saturday's.  Andy  you were there.  The 
	Log Lady was there.  The Man From Another Place was 
	there.
Cath.:	Saturday's!  That is a bad dream.  
All:	Ooooh.  
Announcer:	Twin Peaks is back on Thursday nights.  
Coop:	Diane, Thursday nights.  There's no place like home.  
  
# Hawk:	The man has a poor sense of recreation.  
  
Albert:	Coop, about the uniform.  
Cooper:	Yes, Albert?  
Albert:	Usually, replacing the quiet elegance of the dark 
	suit and tie for the casual indifference of these 
	muted earthtones is a form of fashion suicide.  But, 
	call me crazy, on you it works.

Judy Swain:	An orphan, you know.  
Andy:	Really?  What happened?  Did his parents die?  

# WE:	Cooper doesn't know the meaning of STALEMATE!  

# Nadine:I think I've gone _blind_ in my left eye!  
  
# Cooper:	Sure fire cure for a hangover, Harry.  You take 
	a glass of nearly frozen unstrained tomato juice.  
	You plop a couple of oysters in there.  You drink it 
	down.  Breathe deeply.  Next you take a mound, and I 
	mean a mound of sweetbreads.  Sautee it in some 
	chestnuts and Canadian Bacon.  Finally, biscuits, 
	big biscuits, smothered in gravy.  Now here's where 
	it gets tricky.  You're gonna need some anchovies.  
Harry:	Excuse me. [and rushes to the bathroom]  
Cooper:	That should do it.  
  
# Gordon:	HARRY, THE BEST CURE I EVER CAME ACROSS FOR A 
	HANGOVER IS RAW MEAT, AND PLENTY OF IT.  YA BREAK AN 
	EGG ON IT.  ADD IN SOME SALTED ANCHOVIES, TOBASCO 
	AND WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE. [Harry, again rushes to 
	the bathroom]  IF YOU WANT WE CAN ORDER IT UP  
	FOR YA.  [Cooper and Gordon smile at each other]  

# Harry:	What do you recommend for a hangover?  
Annie:	Teetotaling and prayer.  
Cooper:	Good answer.  
Harry:	I'll try some coffee.  

# Johnny Horne:  Oouaaaahouaaaahouoooh!   (Ed note: Sp? :-)  
  
Irene:	Of all the people in the world, the best and the 
	worst are drawn to a dead dog.  Most turn away. Only 
	the pure of heart can feel its pain.  And somewhere 
	in between the rest of us struggle.  
  
Audrey:	They have women agents?  
Denise:	More or less.  
                                 
Denise:	I may be wearing a dress, but I still pull my 
	panties on one leg at a time, if you know what I 
	mean.  
Cooper:	Not really.  
  
# WE:	Tacit agreement is acceptable, Leo.  Your silence 
	speaks volumes.  Or if not volumes, at least the 
	occasional punctuated paragraph.  
  
Audrey:	 I've examined his will Jerry.  If my father becomes 
	incapacitated, it all goes to me when I'm old 
	enough.  And I am old enough and he is 
	incapacitated.  Play it my way either way or the 
	only project you'll be developing is selling 
	baseboard heaters at the local cash-n-carry.  
Jerry:	What's happened to the man is a tragedy.  
Audrey:	Yea, Jerry, it's a tragedy.  
  
Pete:	Now if there's chessboards in Heaven, Jose's sittin' 
	next to the Lord.  
  
# Gordon:THE WORD LINKAGE REMINDS ME OF SAUSAGE.  NEVER 
	CARED MUCH FOR THE LINKS, PREFERRED THE PATTIES. BUT 
	BREAKFAST IS A REAL GOOD IDEA.  BONZAI.  REMEMBER 
	THOSE OLD WORLD WAR II MOVIES?  BONZAAIIIII!!!!  
WE:	AAAH, Damnation.  
Leo:	Buuurrrrp.  
  
Dwayne:	She killed him with SEX.  
  
Dick: 	Oh she doth teach the torches to burn bright  (Andy 
	sighs) It seems she hangs against the cheek of night  
+ Doc:	Like a rich jewel in an ethiope's ear.  Beauty too 
	rich for youth, for earth too dear.  
  
Cooper:	Harry, Windom Earle's mind is like a diamond.  It's 
	cold and hard and brilliant.  
  
Dr Jacoby: What he needs right now is both your 
	understanding and a Confederate victory.  
  
# Dick:	But what I'm trying to make clear is that using a 
	stuffed animal to represent an endangered species as 
	an ecological protest constitutes the supreme 
	incongruity.  
  
# Hawk:	Maybe we'd better just whistle on our way past the 
	graveyard.  
  
Doc H.:	Is she sexually active?  
Ed:	Active?  Doc, I wake up every morning feeling like I 
	got hit by a timber truck.    
  
Ben:	You'll have to excuse me the chef just tried to 
	stab Jerry.  
  
Albert:	Get a life, punk.  
  
Dr Jacoby:	Now what she does in fact possess is a 
	heightened sexual drive and a working knowledge of 
	technique, anatomy and touch that few men have ever 
	had the pleasure of experiencing or the skills to 
	match.  
Harry:	Is it hot in here?  
Cooper &
  Hawk:	Yea.  

# Lucy:	You can't do that!  
Pete (to Coop):	My students.  
Lucy:	Mr Martell, Andy moved his knight without doing the 
	little hook thing.  
Andy:	You don't have to do the little hook thing, that's 
	optional.  
Pete:	Andy, uh, the knight has to do the little hook 
	thing.
Andy:	Every time?  
Pete:	It's a privilege.  No one else gets to make that 
	move.  
Andy:	Ok, Mr Martell.  
Lucy:	I guess some people don't know quite as much as they 
	think they do.  Check!  
  
Pete:	We forgot the weinies, all beef with the skin on 
	`em.  
  
Ben:	I give you the little pine weasel found only in our 
	tri-county area.  It is nearly extinct.  
Jerry:	They're incredible roasted.  
  
Andy:	Once stimulated the female will respond in such a 
	way that the skin around her ...  Oh My God!  
  
Cooper:	Great players are either far or few.  
  
Malcom:		Mrs. Marsh hired him to fix the Jaguar.  
Trooper:	Jaguar ... J-a-g-w ... uh, the car.  
  
Shelly (from WE's note): 
	See the mountains kiss high heaven  
	and the waves clasp one another.  
	No sister flower would be forgiven  
	if it disdained its brother.  
	And the sunlight clasped the earth  
	and the moonbeams kissed the sea.  
	What is our sweet work worth  
	if thou kiss not me?  
  
BOB:	COOP, what happened to JOSIE?!  

#Gordon:	HOLY SMOKES!  WHO IS THAT?  
Cooper:	Shelly Johnson.  
	[Gordon motions he didn't here]  
Cooper:	SHELLY JOHNSON.  
Gordon:	WHAT A BEAUTY!  KINDA REMINDS ME OF THAT STATUE, THE 
	BABE WITHOUT THE ARMS.  
Cooper:	Venus de Milo.  
Gordon:	THE NAME WAS MILO, BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT.  
	THAT'S THE KIND OF GIRL THAT MAKES YOU WISH YOU 
	SPOKE A LITTLE FRENCH.  'SCUSE ME COOP WHILE I TRY 
	MY HAND AT A LITTLE COUNTER-ESPARANTO.  
Gordon:	Good luck, Gordon.  
Gordon:	HELLO.  I WAS WONDERING IF I MIGHT TROUBLE YOU FOR A 
	CUP OF STRONG BLACK COFFEE AND IN THE PROCESS ENGAGE 
	YOU WITH AN ANECDOTE OF NO SMALL AMUSEMENT.  THE 
	NAME IS GORDON COLE AND I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE 
	YOU FROM THE BOOTH.  AND .. WELL, SEEING YOUR BEAUTY 
	NOW I FEEL AS THOUGH MY STOMACH IS FILLED WITH A 
	TEAM OF BUMBLEBEES.  
Shelly:	You don't have to shout.  I can hear you.  
Gordon:	I HEARD THAT.  I, I HEARD THAT.  
Shelly:	Um, do you want anything besides coffee?  
Gordon:	I HEARD YOU PERFECTLY!  
Shelly:	And I can hear you, honest.  
Gordon:	YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.  You don't understand Miss 
Johnson.  Do you see this?  For 20 years I've been asking 
	people to please speak up, but for some weird  
	reason I can hear you clear as a bell.  Say 
	something else.  
Shelly:	Um, um, do you want pie with your coffee?  
Gordon:	Good Lord, I can hear you perfectly.  This is like 
	some sort of miracle.  A...a phenomenon.  
LL:		What's wrong with miracles?  
Gordon:	WHAT'S THAT?  
LL:	This cherry pie is a miracle.  
Gordon:	WOULD YOU PLEASE ASK THE LADY WITH THE LOG TO SPEAK 
	UP.  
Shelly:	Um, the pie, she was talking about the cherry pie.  
Gordon:	I heard you again.  I heard you again.  
Shelly:	Would you like some pie?  
Gordon:	MASSIVE, MASSIVE QUANTITIES AND A GLASS OF WATER,   
	SWEETHEART.  MY SOCKS ARE ON FIRE.  


#Shelly:	Do you want some more pie?  A whole pie?  
Gordon:	YES I WOULD MISS JOHNSON.  AND A PIECE OF PAPER AND 
	A PENCIL.  I PLAN ON WRITING AN EPIC POEM ABOUT THIS 
	GORGEOUS PIE.  

#Cooper:	Two penguins were walking across an iceberg.  
	One penguin turned to the second penguin and said, 
	"You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."   
Shelly:	Annie.  
Gordon:	I HEARD THAT!  
Annie:	Wait a minute.  I'll be right back.  [She leaves]  
Cooper:	I wasn't quite finished.  
Harry:	How long you been in love with her?  
Cooper:	Harry, who said anything about love?  
Harry:	Cooper, you just tried to tell her a joke.  
Cooper:	I did?	[Annie returns]
Annie:	So what did the second penguin say?  
Cooper:	Well, the first penguin said to the second penguin, 
	"You look like you're wearing a tuxedo."  And the 
	second penguin said, "Maybe I am."  
	[Annie and Cooper both laugh]  
Harry:	Defense rests.  


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